For as long as I can remember I’ve been asking myself the BIG questions in life.
What’s my purpose? Why am I here? What should I be when I grow up?
Well I’m all grown up now (and have been for a while), so it may seem odd to hear that I still struggle with these questions.
But struggle I do.
You see while I may be a Life Coach with a passion for personal growth, I’m also a huge numbers geek.
Earlier this month I was feeling quite lost. Unsure of where I was headed. And what I wanted.
What I really, really wanted in life.
And that was causing me a lot of anxiety. As facing the unknown often does.
I was used to hearing the voice of my intuition.
To knowing what felt right, and what I wanted. To life being a bit more black and white.
The grey zone was just not my thing.
I once heard grief is like a thumbprint. That no two are alike.
Now, more than ever, I really get that.
Grief is different for everyone.
After losing my mother a few months ago, I began my own roller coaster ride of grief.
Sometimes I felt terribly sad. That she, my one and only mother, had permanently left this world.
I didn’t care that she was almost 92. And had lived a long life. She was still my mother. And she was gone. Forever.
How could that possibly be? It shocked me to my core. And hurt like hell.
Today I took a magical walk with a sea otter.
I was out on the seawall in the a light spring rain thinking about my mother. Contemplating what was going to happen to her.
I’d just visited her a few days prior and knew in my heart she was not long for this world.
My son and I had gone to see her in the care facility she was living. We were shocked by the rapid decline she’d made since our last visit.
Her face looked gaunt and hollow. Her body frail and weak. Her skin ever so pale and delicate. Deep down some part of me knew that she was finally giving up the fight.
The other week I had an epiphany.
It was time for me to tell the truth. The real truth.
I’d been holding onto something that I needed to share. For the sake of my own sanity. And my health.
It’s ironic really.
As a Life Coach it’s the last thing I’d recommend anyone do: hold onto a secret. Especially one that’s slowly eating away at you.
Like all secrets tend to do. Just as mine had been doing.
Do you know what you superpowers are?
The gifts you were born with that make you uniquely you? The ones you were meant to share with the world?
Recently I was reminded of mine. And the timing couldn’t have been more perfect!
I was in the middle of a challenging situation with a colleague. I was feeling criticized and dismissed. As though I was just a number. A cog in the wheel. Nothing special.
The exact opposite of how I believe we all deserve to feel.
As a result, my confidence was taking a hit. I began second-guessing myself . And everything I said or did. I felt like I was walking on eggshells (always a bad sign for a recovering people-pleaser like me). I knew I was not acting in alignment with my true self.
My intuition was on high alert. My brain began screaming “danger, danger, pay attention!”
So I decided to take a step back and analyze the situation a bit more carefully. To sit with my anxiety instead of run from it. To see what my body – always a barometer for my soul – had to say.
A girlfriend of mine recently said something that gave me pause. That perhaps I hadn’t yet found a man worthy of me.
Worthy of me?
What a concept! It seems so basic. Yet I realized as soon as she said it that I’ve actually had it backwards all my life.
I’ve been trying to prove to men that I am worthy of them.
I’ve worked so hard to show them that I’m good, kind, smart, and capable.
And even more, that I’m not too needy, too emotional, or lord help me, too dependent! For fear they would run in the opposite direction.
Ugh. Seriously?! Wtf is up with that?