Recently I heard a woman on the radio use the phrase: step into your enough-ness. It stopped me in my tracks.
Step into your enough-ness.
OK, I get it. What a great reminder for a woman like me, a recovering perfectionist.
And what a terrific book or workshop title. I wrote it down in my journal of great ideas, as I have done so many times before, and then promptly forgot about it.
Fast forward to today. I was out walking on the seawall, all alone in the rain. It was just me and my thoughts. And my growing anxiety about writing my very first blog.
What should I write about?
What speaks to me? Comes from my heart? What would resonate with other women?
As my anxiety grew, my thoughts suddenly turned to the word ‘perfectionism’ and how it keeps showing up in my life.
How my desire to do things perfectly (or to not be seen as imperfect) holds me back.
And how I use my fear of imperfection as a way to procrastinate.
To not do the very thing I wish I could do: find my voice. Imperfect though it may be.
How hard I’ve had to work at believing in my core that I am good enough. That I can step into my own enough-ness.
I could certainly write about that.
Truth be told, I have wanted to write a blog for years.
But every time I took a step towards it my inner critics would rise up. And they were very, very convincing.
They would say cruel things like: “You’re not a writer. You have nothing of value to say. Who the heck is going to listen to you?”
And the kicker: “Who do you think you are?”
I thought about all the ways I had blown my blog off.
All the excuses I’d made for not expressing my voice. For not shining my own unique light out into the world.
I thought about all the people I’d believed in, cheer-leaded and coached to follow their own dreams. To not give up. To speak their own truth.
But when push came to shove, I had not been able to do the same for me.
My inner critics had always won. So instead of expressing my voice, I would go underground again. I’d tell myself it was OK. It wasn’t my time yet. Maybe it never would be.
So here I was, back at the starting gate. Back to the blog.
My inner light was craving to be set free, and my inner voice unleashed.
A few weeks ago I had committed to writing this blog on a whim. I promised a dear friend (who’s also my coach) that I would post it by the end of this week. I was excited at the thought of it, and knew I could do it – would do it – this time.
There would be no more excuses.
But suddenly with my deadline looming, I was procrastinating all over again. Same old, same old. I was ready to shove my voice down once more.
I felt sick.
How could I let my coach down? How could I tell her I was throwing in the towel? But even worse, how could I let myself down? Again?!
Before my inner critics won their battle, something else happened. Out on that seawall, today in the rain. Something magical. Something that changed everything for me. And gave me the courage to write.
Up, out of the calm waters, popped a seal.
My totem animal. Spirit guide. Inner coach.
I’ve had an affinity with seals my whole life. I see them all the time. And every time I do, I believe they have a message for me.
So today, in the soft rain, I closed my eyes and asked this seal, this spirit guide of mine, what message it had for me.
Within seconds my answer came: don’t give up.
Keep moving forward, one step at a time.
My heart lifted. And I realized that I was not going to buy into my procrastination this time. I was not going to listen to my fear. Nor let my inner critics win.
I was going to write my first blog, once and for all, damn it.
So here I am. My first blog is almost done. And like the seal rising above the surface of the ocean, I’m ready to let my spirit free.
I’ve found my voice. And I won’t let it go underground again.
This is my first big step towards embracing all of me. With all my imperfections. I know I will make mistakes. I have before. And I will again. But as they say: go big or go home.
I’m not ready to go home. I just got here.
And after all these years of fear and procrastination, I have finally found the courage to step into my own enough-ness.