I have a confession to make. I’ve been hiding my inner light.
I haven’t written a blog in 12 whole months.
And I’ve felt very conflicted about it.
On one hand, I’ve had plenty to say and have started many drafts.
On the other hand, I’ve been severely lacking in follow through.
And that’s just plain sucked.
Many times I’ve asked myself why I’ve stopped writing my blog.
And I’ve come up with all sorts of answers.
Or perhaps they were just excuses…?
But at the time, my ‘reasons’ did seem legitimate.
After my last blog, I decided to focus on my speaking instead.
It’s an area of my life that’s been calling me for years.
Call me crazy but I love standing up in front of people. And being on a stage.
I always have.
Maybe it’s the extrovert in me. Or the actress. Or being the baby of the family.
And I guess ultimately who cares?!
We are who we are.
And there’s no sense in trying to be anyone else.
So in order to reawaken my dream I took a public speaking course.
And waited to feel that thing I feel when something stirs inside of me.
The feeling that I’m truly alive.
And my inner light is burning brightly.
But unfortunately that’s not what happened.
Instead I was hit with…um…shall we say...nothing.
No fire in my belly.
No sudden flashes of insight.
I felt flat about speaking.
And I knew I was meant to listen to that ‘flatness.’
Because my body is the barometer of my truth.
It’s how my intuition speaks to me.
Whether my head agrees with my body or not.
Which can be really annoying at times, when I think I want something but my body says otherwise.
Like with speaking…my body was saying “hell no.”
Or at least “not like this” or “not right now.”
And I chose to listen.
Because when I follow my intuition I’m always led to the right place.
So I stepped back from the whole speaking thing with a shrug.
And an acceptance of where I was at.
OK Universe, if not speaking, then what? What’s next for me?
And my answer came pretty quickly.
I want to have more fun!
And so began my quest. To follow a new inner light within.
To have a fun and playful summer.
And while I’m not going to tell you all the details of last summer…
(let’s just say I kissed a few frogs before I found my temporary prince)
I did make a decision to keep that part of my life very private.
In other words…
Not in a blog.
And so my writing took a back seat.
Working on my new home-based bookkeeping business (to pay the bills) and my relationship was all I had the energy for.
And while I often thought about my blog, and whether there was something more behind my not writing it, I simply never took action on it.
One thing led to another, and there I was one year later.
Which leads me to this week, and my big ah-ha moment.
I was having lunch with a dear friend that I haven’t seen in awhile.
When she asked about my blog, I found myself saying I’d given it up because “I wasn’t a writer.”
Her response took me by surprise.
“But you’re a good writer,” she said.
I immediately thought to myself:
Whaaaaaat?? I am?!?
Her words stayed with me for hours afterwards.
And then a new thought arose…
What if all that time I wasn’t writing had nothing to do with being too busy?
Or becoming a speaker?
Or not having the time or energy to write?
What if instead it had more to do with not believing in myself?
In my own capabilities?
Of dimming my own inner light again?
Being a victim to the imposter syndrome. Again.
That old story.
Unbeknownst to me I’d gotten caught up in that damn comparison game again.
The one where you look at someone and see how much better they are at something than you?
Yes. That comparison game.
The one you NEVER win.
The one that obviously stopped me in my tracks.
The one where I’d find myself saying: “Well he or she is a real writer. But clearly I’m not.”
How had I fallen for my crafty little inner critic’s trick again?
And believed my own b.s.?
Well I had.
Before I knew it, I’d agreed to play small again.
And to stop shining my own unique inner light out into the world.
So it was time to muscle up.
Last night I took a deep breath, resurrected my WordPress site and reread some of my past blogs.
As I did so I felt an instant rising up inside of me.
A lifting of my spirit.
I remembered how good I felt each time I wrote one of my blogs.
How they helped me move and shift. And heal something inside of me.
How they helped me express myself in the world.
How free they made me feel.
Sure, they’re not perfect. Nor am I the BEST writer/blogger out there. Not by a bloody long shot!
But who really cares?! I don’t need to be.
I just need to be me.
To follow that wonderful feeling I get inside when I write from my heart.
It feels goooooood when I write.
And I don’t have to do it every day. Or every week. Or even every month for that matter. I just need to do it when I feel inspired. When I have something to say.
That’s all I need to know right now.
It’s enough to tell me that I’m heading in the right direction.
That I’m on my path, and following my heart.
That my life is unfolding exactly as it’s meant to.
So, let me ask you two things:
- Where might you be playing the comparison game, and holding yourself back?
- What’s one baby feel-good baby step that you can take to move yourself forward?
I urge you to do it. To take that step now!
Or god forbid, another year.
Because your best, most authentic, joyful life is waiting for you!