Am I this? Or am I that?

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

For as long as I can remember I’ve been asking myself the BIG questions in life.

“What’s my purpose?”

“Why am I here?”

“What should I be when I grow up?”

Well I’m all grown up now (and have been for a while), so it may seem odd to hear that I still struggle with these questions.

But struggle I do.

You see while I may be a life coach with a passion for personal growth, I’m also a huge numbers geek.

When I was 11 years old I loved numbers so much I dreamed of becoming a math teacher.

I liked how math made me feel.antoine-dautry-05A-kdOH6Hw-unsplash

It was simple and straightforward.

Logical and organized. And there were rules.

I liked rules.

Because if you followed them, you’d always find the answer. And that felt good.

At least to my 11-year-old self.

During the years that followed though, my career aspirations changed.

A lot.

Instead of a math teacher, I dreamed of becoming an actress and fashion model.

With perseverance and a little luck, I filmed TV commercials, walked runways and graced the pages of newspapers and magazines.

Eventually I moved on to other – more regular – jobs.

I became a travel and tourism hostess, a hotel concierge, and a conference coordinator. Later I dabbled in sales and marketing and teaching ESL.

I tried on many different career hats, always searching for the perfect one.

Some hats fit better than others.

Always at the core of my search was my love of helping people.

I enjoyed connecting with others, and serving them. And was drawn to jobs where I could do exactly that.

In time the more hidden, sacred side of me stepped forward.


The one that had always been there, waiting quietly to emerge.

The side that was drawn to inspiring quotes and books.

To personal growth authors and speakers like Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay and Tony Robbins.

The sensitive, intuitive side of me that loved to have deep, meaningful conversations.

To inspire and lift others up.

And to help them see their own unique beauty in this world.

Around this time I accidentally (synchronistically?) stumbled upon the coaching world. And found my tribe at last.

Going back to school to become a life coach seemed like a natural fit. 

But starting up a coaching practice afterwards didn’t. And I couldn’t quite put my finger on why.

Somehow I kept being drawn back to the more organized, linear side of myself. The side that likes structure and order. And the safety of numbers.

Maybe I was afraid to take a risk on the more intuitive side of me. 

Or maybe at the time, as a single parent of a young toddler, I didn’t feel I had the right to take that risk.

It was too much of a gamble. I needed assurances.

So instead I put my organizational and computer skills to use. And chose work as an executive assistant, office administrator and manager.

All the while asking myself what was stopping me from living the grander purpose of my life.

Several years later, I find myself still asking that question.

These days, while I call myself a coach by night, I’m a bookkeeper by day.


Which is not that surprising given my aptitude with numbers.

However sometimes I feel like I’m Superman fighting with my alter ego Clark Kent.

And I struggle with that.

At least the thought of that. Because to be honest the Clark Kent inside of me knows I’m a good bookkeeper. And is proud of it.

I get a strange little thrill out of helping my clients organize their finances.

And thankfully bookkeeping pays the bill. It puts food on the table and a roof over my son’s and my head. And that’s very comforting.

I’m doing what I need to do to take care of us.

And yet….

The other side of me – the coach – is still a little confused by all of this.

A bookkeeper? Really? 

Because every chance I get, I live and breathe personal growth.

I love reading self-help books, listening to inspirational speakers, and connecting with and inspiring my tribe — the ones I can speak to in a genuine, heart-centered (even woo-woo) way.

These are the things that lift me up. And bring both meaning and joy to my life.

So knowing all of this about me still begs the question:

Why am I not doing more with my coaching, speaking and writing? 

And therein lies my life-long struggle. With self-acceptance.

Of loving what is.

Instead I have the urge to reject my linear side.

As though being logical, organized and good with numbers are not valuable qualities.

As though the two very different sides of me can’t exist together.

Lately what’s struck me even more is how disempowering those thoughts (spoken by my crafty little inner critic) really are.

Because the much kinder truth is this…

These two sides of me shouldn’t be seen as separate.


Nor one better than the other.

Instead, they should be equally embraced.

For they’re just two different sides of the same equation.

And both parts make up the whole.

The whole me.

A + B = C

And here’s another thought…

Perhaps the bookkeeper inside of me feeds one part of my spirit (in need of safety and security). While the coach inside of me feeds the other (in need of soulful connections).

So while I just may naturally be an organized, numbers sort of girl, I’m also a very sensitive and intuitive one. And all aspects of me are valuable.

I do not have to pick a side. Nor should you.

We are not this or that.

Good or bad.

Black or white.

Either or.

We are everything. Our past, our present, our strengths, our weaknesses, our light, our dark. Combined.

We are unique and beautiful. And we are worthy.

Just as we are.

Kerry xo

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