A girlfriend of mine recently said something that gave me pause. That perhaps I hadn’t yet found a man worthy of me.
Worthy of me?
What a concept! It seems so basic. Yet I realized as soon as she said it that I’ve actually had it backwards all my life.
I’ve been trying to prove to men that I am worthy of them.
I’ve worked so hard to show them that I’m good, kind, smart, and capable.
And even more, that I’m not too needy, too emotional, or lord help me, too dependent! For fear they would run in the opposite direction.
Ugh. Seriously?! Wtf is up with that?
Maybe it’s time I conquer that old belief? And replace it with a new one? Because the truth is my life actually speaks volumes for the fact that I am far any of those.
I am a strong, independent and very capable woman.
I’ve been a single parent for 12 years and have worked diligently to build a solid, stable life for my son and I. Over the years I’ve made a conscious effort to create a healthy co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband. For the sake of our son.
Mission accomplished. He’s thriving.
I earn a good living, own my own home, put money aside for the future, and take tropical vacations every year. Well almost every year.
This year I decided to invest in furthering my education. But still. I can do that, too. I’ve got my sh-t together.
I’m active and fit, have a good sense of style, and I’m told I look pretty damn good for my age.
Hmm…I hate that expression actually. It implies we all start looking like crap as we get older. So let’s rephrase that. I look pretty darn good. Period.
I have a great sense of humor as well as an amazingly positive outlook on life. (OK except for when it snows ridiculous amounts, which it has this winter. I would much rather be somewhere warm. So sue me!)
I’m also blessed with a wonderful circle of loyal, kind and dependable friends and a great family. I’m self-aware and have done – and will continue to do – my work.
In other words I’m always tweaking myself to be a better version of me. A better mother, friend, partner, sister, aunt, and human being.
If anything I take too much responsibility for others.
Try too hard to please and appease. And spend too much time on improving myself.
Maybe I need to ease up? Step back a bit?
Or better yet, raise the bar a little? Or rather a lot?
And I don’t mean for me. I mean for them.
Maybe I do need to be more needy. More willing to show a man my sometimes hidden emotions. Like my anger and sadness. Even if it scares them off?
Because really, who cares if it does?
This is me. All of me.
And isn’t that what having a real, authentic, mature relationship is all about?
Being willing to be fully vulnerable with your partner? Showing all your sides? And loving each other through it all. No matter what?
Sure, I’ll admit it. Sometimes I get angry. And for completely stupid reasons. Sometimes I feel cranky, overly-sensitive, or even a bit hopeless. Especially when the weather is endlessly gray and gloomy.
Sometimes I just need a bloody hug and to hear the words: “Everything’s going to be OK.”
The women in my life can do that for me. Why can’t the men I choose to love do that for me as well?
I’m an emotional creature. So what?
I’m human. I have emotions. We all do.
Emotions aren’t good or bad. Positive or negative. Healthy or unhealthy. They just are.
And they certainly won’t kill anyone. They come and go.
Emotions are simply energy in motion.
Providing us with valuable clues as to how to live more in alignment with our true desires.
As far as I’m concerned, being willing and able to express your full range of emotions, in a healthy way, with the people you love, is the key to living a rich and full life.
Sooooo? How do you like me now?
Oh, you don’t?
Well, sorry to say…but who cares!
Because more importantly, I like me! And it’s taken me a LONG time to say that. And to actually mean it. Whole-heartedly.
Maybe I need a man to show me he’s worthy of me for a change?
To treat me like I’m the special one.
The wonderful, caring, supportive, loving woman that I am. A treasure that deserves to be cherished.
Because as far as I can tell (and I’m sorry if this sounds like I’m tooting my own horn here, but I think it’s about damn time I did) I’m a pretty darn good catch.
Perhaps I need to stop trying so hard?
Stop being what I think I’m supposed to be. In order to be loved.
Maybe, just maybe (oh goodness here comes my theme song) I’m just supposed to be me. ALL of me. The good, the bad, the ugly.
Maybe I am worthy? Just as I am.
Take me or leave me. Your choice.
Because I’ll survive. And eventually thrive.
I always do.