Earlier this month I was feeling quite lost. Unsure of where I was headed. And what I wanted.
What I really, really wanted in life.
And that was causing me a lot of anxiety. As facing the unknown often does.
I was used to hearing the voice of my intuition.
To knowing what felt right, and what I wanted. To life being a bit more black and white.
The grey zone was just not my thing.
So much so that I started having trouble sleeping. My ‘monkey mind’ was racing. And it was exhausting.
So many feelings were percolating just beneath the surface.
Ones I couldn’t quite put my finger on. No matter how hard I tried. And I wasn’t sure what to do.
So at first I chose not to do anything at all.
To distract myself instead. With potato chips and bad TV. Like I sometimes tend to do.
But that only worked for so long. My feelings weren’t going away.
I knew that staying stuck in distraction was only going to prolong my agony.
Earlier this summer I’d left a full-time job so I could explore my options. Take some time for myself. And get some much-needed breathing space to figure out my next steps.
My next direction.
Before I knew it though, I’d landed another part-time job. It was close to home and paid me well. And gave me the freedom I’d been craving.
But it had happened so fast, it had made my head spin (clearly the Universe had my back)!
Suddenly I was given the space I’d been yearning for.
But far more quickly than I’d anticipated. There was nothing urgent – like how to pay my bills – to worry about.
And because my son was away for most of the summer, I had nothing but time on my hands.
For the first time in years.
Time to really look at my life. And figure out what I wanted more of. And less of.
Time to explore what made me tick. What truly made me happy. Like my love of blogging, coaching and speaking.
But what I came to realize was even though I’d wanted time to explore these areas, I just might not be ready to.
My low-grade anxiety was trying to tell me something.
Was I willing to listen?
I knew my anxiety (just like the anger I wrote about in my last blog) had something important to tell me.
And getting distracted with junk food and TV sure wasn’t going to help me hear its message.
It would only move me further away from it.
Away from what I really wanted and needed at this crucial point in my life.
Because it was a crucial point. A crossroads of sorts.
A time when I’d had the courage to leave both a long-term relationship AND a full-time job, that were no longer feeding my soul.
A time to heal from the loss of my mother earlier this year.
And a time to create some much desired space to finally live my truth.
So what was my intuition trying to say?
I’d been waiting for it to become clear. To say something meaningful. To let me know which direction I was supposed to go next.
But nothing was coming. Nada.
No matter how quiet I got, or how hard I listened. There was only silence.
And that’s when it hit me.
I knew what I had to do to reconnect with my spirit.
I had to move my body. And get into nature.
So I put on my running shoes, grabbed my water bottle and took off for a long walk in the woods.
Just me and my thoughts.
It didn’t take long for nature to work its magic on me.
Within minutes of being on the trail where I used to walk my dog, I felt my emotions start to rise to the surface.
First a deep sadness for the loss of my beloved furry companion. Oh how I missed her sweet, sweet face and exuberance for life.
Then a short while later…grief for the loss of both my parents, no longer on this physical plane.
And then lastly, a deep sadness for the loss of my romantic partner, who’d been my cherished companion, confidant, lover and friend.
Here I was. Alone. Again.
It wasn’t the first time. I’d been here before, and I was used to it. I knew I could do it.
But this time seemed different.
Thanks to my last relationship I’d allowed myself to open up, and become more vulnerable.
To jump in with both feet, and let my guard down. To let love in.
Suddenly, out there on the trail, my intuition spoke. Loudly. And it all became clear.
I didn’t want to be alone anymore.
I didn’t need to be alone anymore. It wasn’t serving me.
I’d spent enough time alone this summer, getting to know myself again. As well as staying alone because I thought it proved how independent and capable I was.
When all it really proved was how stubborn I could be.
I wanted a meaningful connection with a man again.
I craved it.
And there was nothing wrong with that.
Whether I wanted to crave it didn’t really matter. All that mattered was that I DID crave it.
It was time to honour my deep inner knowing. My intuition. The voice of my soul.
So honour it I did.
Out there on the trail, I made a commitment to myself. To open my heart up to love again. To be vulnerable. To take a chance.
And see where it would lead me.